The Cannabis Clone Industry Is 90% Heartbreak In A Solo Cup
Most clone sellers ship root-rotted, mite-ridden, mislabeled sticks. A fictional investigation finds the rare two that, infuriatingly, do not suck.
The Thing In Your Home That Could Kill You Is, Again, Everything
After a 40-year investigation, the local action-news team confirms the deadly household threat is all objects, the entire house, and possibly the air. Story at 11.
Nickelback Album Found Identical To A Truck Commercial
A peer-reviewed panel confirms the band's 14th record is acoustically indistinguishable from a 30-second ad for a midsize pickup. Zero percent APR audible only to dogs.
Candy Corn Marks 145th Year Of Being Bought By Nobody
35 million pounds produced annually. Zero verified buyers located. Investigators describe a substance that materializes in cabinets like a seasonal mold.
Printer Now Demands Monthly Subscription To Remain A Printer
The device you bought outright will no longer print unless you enroll in a recurring ink plan. The cheap tier prints 10 pages a month in a sad gray called "Essential."